Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Good, the Bad, the Gay, and the F'Ugly; The Week in Pop Music

So, what the hell is up in pop music these days? I'm thinking there must be something in the pop star water, as several of today's young musical celebs have recently been behaving rather badly and bizarrely, making public statements the likes of which seem to me to be career killers.

Personally, I don't have a problem with celebrities bragging to the press about their sexual exploits, but I don't know: Did Ricky Martin really need to go on record about his love of golden showers? That's right, folks: Ricky Martin likes to pee on people. In an upcoming issue of Blender magazine, the Latino (former) sensation acknowledges that when he's in the shower, he likes it warm. Really warm. "I love giving the golden shower," he says. "I've done it before in the shower. It's like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different." Hmmmm, now isn't that just a bit too kinky for most of Middle America to hear about? I mean, isn't this boy trying to make a comeback here? Sounds to me like Martin is livin' la vida loco.

What's more, Ricky still isn't coming clean about his sexuality, choosing instead to use gender-neutral terminology when making statements like, "I'm open to everything. There are moments for soft, gentle sex. And there are moments for a good spank in the butt, the kind of sex where you pull the hair and grab the ears. I'm pretty open to whatever flows." (Obviously, based on his prior statements about piss play, it's obviously he's into whatever flows.) Now I don't know about you people, but I think when you make statements like that in the press when there are tons of gay rumors swirling about you, you're basically admitting to folks that you're at least a switch-hitter. Far be it for me to tell someone they need to come out, but I do think Martin's song-and-dance routine is getting a bit old at this point. It's not like the guy is Tom Cruise, for pete's sake! :)

In other music news, Enrique Iglesias has made a few rather surprising statements of his own in regard to his evidently unimpressive penis size. The studly Spanish singer has said that he plans to endorse a line of extra-small condoms, hoping to help eliminate the shame and stigma associated with having a small endowment. "The next product I'm gonna put my name on is extra-small condoms," Iglesias told the Houston Press. "I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it's really embarrassing for people--you know, from experience. Hopefully people won't be ashamed when I step forward."

Well, I don't really know about all that, but I do know that the singer has previously gone on record as saying that he doesn't see himself as a sex symbol. And one might venture to say that which this recent career step, others might not be seeing him as much of one either. Not that size really matters in the long run. Trust me, there are many, many benefits to having average (or less than average) equipment, but isn't that something you keep personal? Is it really smart for a celebrity whose chief selling point is his masculine virility to tell the world that he's got a small willy? Then again, I'd like to see the world get away from their obsession with things like size, so maybe Enrique is making a very bold move toward a future in which we judge someone's attractiveness based on, oh, I don't know, their personality?

And let's not forget Mariah Carey and her crazy, bitter ass. Now, I must be honest and say that I've never been a fan of hers (What's to love about a dolphin singing pop songs? Her constant shrieking and vocal acrobatics grate on my nerves), but when little Ms. Scarey decided to go on record bashing Madonna, she really drove a nail of hatred into that coffin of animosity I've been fashioning for her. In a recent TV interview, Mariah dismissed Madonna, saying, "I haven't paid attention to Madonna since I was in [high school], back when she was popular."

Back when she was popular?!? To a Madonna fan like me, them's fightin' words if there ever were any. And I'm half-inclined to go off on a rant about how Mariah has fashioned a career on riding the coat tails of far too many important men and how the last few belleaguered years of her own career ups and downs could make a case for her irrelevance in pop culture (come on, Mariah, I seem to remember Virgin paying you millions so they could get out of their contract with you after the career-stalling travesty that was Glitter, so who the f#ck are you to be pointing fingers at other artists for not always staying on top of the popularity mountain. Oh, and do something about those floppy tits of yours), but well, I'm just far too, um, gentlemanly for that. ;)

Speaking of my dearly beloved, Madonna herself was in the news last week, and not just because her new record Confessions On a Dance Floor is currently riding high at No. 1 on charts all over the world. (Take that, Bitch Carey!) No, it seems that Madge has lost a plagiarism suit that alleged that she lifted four bars of music from a song by Belgian songwriter Salvatore Acquaviva for her tune "Frozen." Without hearing the song (called "Ma Vie Fout L'camp," which roughly translates as "My Life's Getting Nowhere"), I can't really say one way or the other if I agree that she stole the music, but the case does seem a little fishy to me. Acquaviva (Aqua-Velva, anyone?) alleges that he met Madonna in 1979, and says that she must have heard his song then. But my question is, Why did this guy wait so long--nearly 10 years after "Frozen" was a huge international hit--to come forward with this case? Why didn't he sue her back in 1998?

Oh well. I'm still waiting on a press release from Madonna's camp, because, obviously, the news that my favorite pop icon may have stolen someone else's material for her own gain is not the kind of news that I like to hear. Will she still be my favorite pop icon if she comes clean and admits that she did it? I don't know. But I do want to see her as more than just a "material girl."

At any rate, that's the news this week. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving, and we'll be in touch soon.

Hollywood Ken


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